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Children & Divorce - The Effects

29th June 2011
By Roger Fischer in Divorce
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Young people face a wide range of emotions once discover their parents are getting a divorce. It's no different from what the adults feel but they might not have all the facts. This can result in children blaming themselves for the divorce. They'll remember each of the times their parents had a clash over them and think it is their own fault.

Many couples decide not to get a divorce no matter what simply for the welfare of their children. They want to break free and to start a new life but they donít. They may later discover that they didnít do their children any favors by staying in the relationship. They certainly werenít happy and chances are everyone in the household was suffering because of what was going on emotionally.

What is happening to so many children living with parents in an unhappy marriage right now has to be addressed.. These children are really tormented by all the abuse they see, whether it is verbal, emotional or the worst of all, physical abuse. In many cases, the children will see controlling behaviours such as affection or money being withheld so that one spouse can exert control over the other. None of these conflicts are healthy for children and there's little doubt suffering through all this will leave permanent mental scars from this very unhappy period of their life.

It is the emotional state of children that very often keeps people in a marriage when they want out however. They may have heard all the horror stories about children with trust issues and relationship issues due to their parents being divorced. In many cases it wasn't their parents divorce that caused the problems but something else. The fact is, it's often as a result of what happened before, during, and after the divorce.

The things that generally cause the most problems are witnessing all the harmful things that happen before the actual divorce. Seeing your parents call each other nasty names or throwing stuff around and fighting aren't the sort of things that a child is likely to forget. Obviously there are bound to be many difficult times when going through a divorce but the main thing is do everything you can stop your children from seeing them.

Look, children are not stupid. It is inevitable they will sense all the tension that is there between you and your spouse. They are going to be right there in the middle of things if there is still a lot of unresolved conflict going on. You can be sure that it will be pretty upsetting for them to see such conflict happening right before their very eyes. Thankfully, with the right approach you can go through a divorce and still have a decent relationship with your children afterwards. It will be possible for you to both come together as a married couple in order to do what's best for your children.

So long as you can work out the specifics of the divorce so your children are well looked after it's going to protect against them from becoming damaged. Messy divorces where each spouse is blaming the other and getting the children in the middle of it arenít going to benefit anyone at all. Never say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. When all is said and done, that person is still their parent and still someone they probably love and respect.

It's important that you make an attempt to talk to your children from their point of view about the divorce. Let them have some control over the direction those conversations take. They may have important questions to ask about the divorce which you need to answer honestly. It is okay to let them see your emotions during the divorce as well. Just make sure you reassure them that everything is going to be fine. Provided that they feel loved and secure they will be able to get through the divorce without ongoing problems.

You wonít be scarring your children if you do end up divorced. You do need to make sure you are well aware of how they are going to be affected though. As long as you know what is going to happen you can be there to meet the needs of your children. It's important that they know they can turn to either parent for anything they need. You also need to think carefully before you do anything as to how it will affect your children. Any wrong moves you make will have some affect on your children.

Rest assured there are many children that have grown into well-adjusted adults even though their parents have been through a divorce. In fact, many of them will tell you that after the divorce it was better for everyone in the family. It is refreshing to know that because the decision to divorce is one that doesnít come easily. If you know divorce is the only option left for you, then just remember to keep the needs of your children in the front of your mind.
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